BLOG #5:  ON TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK

My premise is that no thoughtful adult can sincerely claim never to have been slighted, hurt, wounded, wronged, or damaged, to one degree or another, by the thoughtless actions or inactions of another person. This fact of life holds true whether the other person’s words, acts, or deeds were intentional or unintentional.  In other words, I believe it is the nature of la condition humaine that humans make mistakes in judgment, whether intended to hurt or not, and that the resulting consequences often affect not only themselves but also their fellow humans, including friends, family members, colleagues, or even strangers.  This hurt can be interpreted metaphorically as a “slap on the cheek.”  (I use the word “slap” intentionally, and by “slaps” I am not referring to violent crimes.  I am not suggesting that if a murderer takes the life of one of our children, we should offer him another child, or if a rapist rapes our sister, we should provide him with another victim.  I am talking about the snubs, the mistreatments, and the disrespect that all of us encounter during the regular course of living and working among imperfect beings.)

In this blog I shall argue that how we react to those perceived or real slaps, slights, hurts, or wrongs determines to a large degree not only our overall happiness but also our emotional or spiritual health.  I posit that each rational human being has moral agency and can, therefore, choose to take offense or elect to forgive; any one of us can choose to act out of vengeance or opt not to do so.  No one can offend you (or me), no matter how offensive their words or acts may be, unless you (or I) choose to be offended.  For those who accept and embrace this as a true principle, the problem remains:  how does one arrive at the point that “turning the other cheek” (i.e., not resorting to vengeful retaliatory acts) is the normal reaction.  My short answer is that it takes time, practice, and patience; it involves swallowing one’s pride and learning through experience that humility can become an essential character-building strength that makes us stronger, more resilient, and a greater resource for others.

SCRIPTURAL BACKGROUND:  In one of the most memorable (and, for many, one of the most vexing) teachings of Jesus, the Master Teacher proclaimed “whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39, KJV).  In the context of Rome’s occupation of Palestine and of the surrounding verses of scripture, the teaching seems intended to provide a dramatic alternative to “an eye for an eye” approach to justice.  Instead of the Mosaic lex talionis (law of retaliation) that demanded equal justice and swift retribution (“a tooth for a tooth”), Jesus taught that de-escalation of a conflict is better than a highly personal and ultimately unhelpful escalation.  Acting out of revenge may bring temporary satisfaction but it rarely brings long-lasting peace, either to the individual who has been hurt or to the community at large.

PURPOSE:  I seek to share some personal lessons I learned early on in a professional or work setting from “turning the other cheek.”  I shall not “name names,” for my desire is not to lay blame on others but to emphasize lessons learned so that whoever reads this blog may elect not to take offense when disappointment reigns because of the actions or words of a co-worker, colleague, or someone else.

A CASE STUDY:  Once upon a time, many years ago, I was nominated for a key position in academic administration at a prestigious institution.  In response to requests, I submitted extensive information to an impressive search committee and was interviewed thoroughly and vetted extensively for the job.  Members of the search committee met diligently for many weeks discussing the pros and cons of numerous candidates.  In the end I was selected as one of three finalists.  The chair of the search committee informed me that the names of three finalists had been submitted in unranked order of preference to a vice president who had not participated in the search but who would choose the person for the job.  A week or so later the VP in question announced who would fill the position, and it was not I but someone I knew and respected.

Naturally I was disappointed not to have been chosen.  Three members of the search committee contacted me privately, stating that they were flabbergasted, given their vigorous support for my nomination.  I thanked them for their advocacy of my candidacy and did my best to move on as quickly as possible.  But then the VP who had made the decision invited me to a luncheon meeting and, in explaining his decision to appoint another finalist, claimed to have followed the ranked order of the search committee, stating that I was ranked second.  I was fine up until that moment.  In one disconcerting instant it appeared that either the chair of the search committee had lied or the VP was lying.  I respectfully shared with the VP that it was my understanding that the names of the finalists went up “unranked as to priority.”  “No,” he assured me, “that was not the case.”  He replied that I must have misheard the search committee chair.  When I next encountered the chair of the search committee, I inquired as to whether I had misunderstood whether the names went up “ranked” or “unranked.”  He smiled and, quite pleased with himself, said, “Unranked!” Then he added, “I listed them in alphabetical order!”  Because the last name of the person who was appointed to the position appeared alphabetically before my last name, I realized that neither the chair nor the VP had lied to me.  Rather there had been an unfortunate lack of communication between them as to what the ranked listing of names signified.  I respectfully pointed that out to the chair and excused myself.

At that point I had a critical decision to make.  I realized that publicly revealing what I now knew would create unbelievable dissension, not just within a particular academic unit but also for that campus.  Members of the search committee from various disciplines would be furious that their decision to advance the names unranked had been foiled by the chair’s failure to communicate properly what his listing of names really meant (i.e., that they were in alphabetical order, not in order of recommendation).  The VP would be embarrassed by a blunder so silly that his competence to lead would be called into question.  The newly appointed administrator, who was an accomplished individual and in no way at fault, might become the butt of jokes.  While I might have the temporary satisfaction of tarnishing the reputation of at least two individuals (the search committee chair and the VP), both of whom had been negligent in performing their duties, I knew the unwelcome embarrassment that this would cause to that university’s administration at large.

So, what did I do?  I swallowed my pride and chose to remain silent, allowing colleagues to conclude that my preparation was somehow inferior to that of the person chosen.  Frankly, this course was not an easy one to follow, but I felt in my heart that it was the right one.  That I thereafter chose to forge ahead and to work harder to make sure that my own communications were clearer and that my own credentials were stronger has made all the difference in my subsequent career.  The search committee chair and the VP subsequently discussed the issue and made adjustments to their modus operandi; they, too, apparently learned a valuable lesson.  Each later was selected by other universities for even more significant roles.  The chair became a well-respected dean and the VP an admired university president.  Likewise the person chosen in my stead served admirably and blessed many lives.  As I refocused my efforts on the things that I had control over, my own career blossomed in unforeseen ways and led to far greater opportunities than I ever could have imagined.  But what is more important, I found peace in “turning the other cheek,” in not becoming embittered and in not seeking payback.  Today I can smile, even chuckle, at the situation and be grateful that my career took the direction it did.

Making allowance for the unintentional, even foolish, mistakes of others, like choosing to forgive, should not be taken as a desire to foster ineptitude.  It is often the right thing to point out another person’s error, especially if it has major ramifications; however, after doing this, one should move on and focus on what she or he has control over.  Dwelling on another’s mistakes and publicizing them are almost always counter-productive.  All too often the indignant person alienates himself from the larger community, withdrawing into a cocoon of bitterness.  Also, if we desire that others forgive us our own mistakes in judgment, then the Master Teacher taught in the Lord’s Prayer that we should be equally forgiving.  As I have argued elsewhere, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” means “Don’t forgive me one iota more than I am willing to forgive others.” Who doesn’t need forgiveness at one time or another?

Nevertheless developing a forgiving attitude requires, as stated earlier, time and practice and patience.  “Turning the other cheek” requires taking a long-term view of most situations.  It is often a process that may include “letting off steam” via a private conversation with a spouse or close friend, a consultation with a mentor, or a visit with a counselor or one’s ecclesiastical leader.

I conclude with a statement one church leader whom I respect shared on this subject.  Elder David Bednar taught this principle:  “When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”  My desire on this Presidents’ Day is that we inculcate this principle of agency into our lives and choose not to take offense even when offensive or disrespectful things occur.

Blogged on February 20, 2017.